you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need to get me chipped asap
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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