We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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