Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
