make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
