I checked into jail on foursquare
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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