I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
