look no pants
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
