So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You took a bar mat shot.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
