I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
