if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
this is an emotional support booty call
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
