he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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