I wish my penis had an off switch
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
