2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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