what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
