Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
