She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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