remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
