My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
