My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
