if i can run in heels then i can drive
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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