awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
