The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Sober January is a disaster.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
