apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
