i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
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I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
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I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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