Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
