Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Randomize
