i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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