just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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