just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
