why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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