i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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