i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
