it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
