Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
