I met the friendliest cop last night
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
