Just took my morning after pill in the library
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
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