remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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