Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Randomize
