I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
