why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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