I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
