i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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