Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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