Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
