Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
