kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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