you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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