His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
