i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
