One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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