where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
