Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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