And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
