I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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