my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
