I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
