he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
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Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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