have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
