Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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