KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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